Your Eyes Are A Rolling at "I sure miss those days"

When the tears don't stop and you feel completely worthless, totally helpless, and a complete failure at parenting ... you know you are a mom.

So often being a mom gets painted with a bright rosy tint by older moms who forgot those days that dragged on, the sassy words that stung your soul and burned your ears, the punishment that hurt you worse then it hurt your child, and the heart ache that mothering sometimes carries. In a world full of Susie home-makers with I'm Woman Hear Me Roar/I Can Do It attitudes, who hold down a full time job, have 3 children, take fancy vacation, drive the Lexus, have perfect bodies, perfect hair, perfect kids, perfect, perfect ... perfect facade actually. Our country is obsessed about image and materialism. How important is it that as a Christian mom we link arms, bow our heads, and we prophetically pray away Satan and his attempts at our children through our pocketbooks, our possessions, and our statuses. The next time an older mom looks at your discombobulated self, juggling a baby on your hip as you dig through your purse of crumpled diaper receipts to find your keys and she begins to reminisce how she misses 'these days' don't feel guilty for thinking she must be off her rocker! Sure she misses the sweet moments of I love you mommy, hugs that squeeze your knees, open mouth baby kisses, and those precious cuddle times, but I'll guarantee she's not missing the poopy diapers, the sassy attitudes, the hurtful & rash verbal abuse, and having to make those tough parenting calls.

I am so thankful for God who, according to Isaiah 41:11, "tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young." God isn't slapping the ruler on my house expecting complete parenting perfection. He gently guides me as I join with my husband and have dedicated myself to raising up 3 beautifully unique children to love the Lord, to have integrity, and to show fruits of the spirit in their life. His grace and mercy are new every morning. His strength carries me through those times when I fall on my knees, tears flowing, and my arms raised in complete surrender of myself and my child. God didn't present me with 3 manuals on how to raise Ella, Brennan, and Connor on their birthdays. He presented me with 3 lifetime opportunities to model my relationship with Him, seek Him for my every need, trust in Him (Proverbs 3:5-6), and instructed me to train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it. (Proverbs 22:6) Sometimes these opportunities are not pretty, being a mom is not at all about outward appearances, but in training a child's heart. Always look to the Lord during these overwhelming and down right ugly times because he instructs us to, "Rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." (Romans 5.3-5)

Lord, I pray for the mom who knows all to well the feelings of failure, helplessness, and unworthiness. Lift her up, encourage her, give her strength, daily renew her mind and soul so she can model to her children what a daily walk with you looks like. It's ok to feel not so lovey dovey about being a mom, this is tough work. Lord, remove the self guilt we moms place on ourselves. Remove the proverbial perfect mom who we are continually falling short of and replace her with a mental picture of a shepherd tending his flock and gently caring for each of the mothers. Guiding us in raising our lambs to love the Lamb of God and make that relationship their own. We thank you and rejoice in these parenting trials because out of them we will grow and our children's faith will be established and fed. We praise you for your grace and mercy and the strength to wipe away the tears and cling to you with every last ounce of energy we can muster. Grant us the ability to have faith, even as tiny as a mustard seed, in you as we journey through this parenting thing. Thank you for each of our blessings you have so graciously granted us!

Test Post

Jess - tell me what you think of this. I need something to the point and stingy to post on my blog. I don't want to defend my choice to go, that's already been made. However, I don't feel the judgements I've been getting are justified. I know i can never please everyone, but maybe I can shed new light on what it means to be a young mom. You wouldn't believe some of the things people have said to me - I chalk it up as the devil really doesn't want me going, and is going to try hard to get me to stay and I'm not staying!

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Recently, my husband & I have decided to go to Burkina Faso, Africa on a missions trip with our church in September. It wasn't an easy decision to make and it most certainly wasn't made in haste. I'm not expecting some religious lightening bolt kind of experience when I get there, but I am expecting change. I didn't expect as much opposition as I've already faced within the past month or so, having discussed the trip with friends and family.

I don't feel the need to defend my choice to go as much as I need to speak up about being a mom and how so often a mother's identity is completely lost during the early stages of motherhood. Once a mother always a mother, but how crucial are these early years when your children rely on you for just about every need! I understand this completely. Why is it that so many women lose their identity when they become a mom? How many countless facebook profiles and picture albums are all pictures of a person's kids? I'm proud of my kids, too, but my identity isn't totally in being their mom. How many moms go through depressions and lose all their friends once their kids go to college or move on after high school?

I'm not saying I'll be glad to see my children go, but I'm going to be happy and celebrate that new part of their life with them, having complete confidence that my husband & I raised children who will be an asset to the Lord & a light to the world. I'm not discounting the importance of being present when your kids are young, or pre-teen, teen, or adult for that matter. I am a stay-at-home-mom after all, obviously being physically present with my children is extremely important to my husband & I.

Being a mother defines who I am as much as your job defines who you are. If I pour my every waking moment into being Ella, Brennan, and Connor's mom with no thought of anything outside of that 'title' what do I have left when they are grown & don't need to rely on mom to change their diapers, discipline, help them with school work, live the junior high & high school drama out, pick a college, plan a wedding, birth a baby? Of course I will be proud of my kids as they get older (heck, I'm pretty proud of them at 4, 2, and 1); I will also be proud to hopefully be running a successful cake business, I'll be the proud wife of Jacob, and most importantly I'll be proud to be Christ's disciple.

As a young Christian mom it's hard to keep my priorities in line. First, I'm a child of God, second I'm a wife, and thirdly I'm a mother. No, a missions trip is not a bad idea or a dishonor to God. However, if I went on this missions trip without the support of my husband or having planned for the proper care for my kids then YES, it would be dishonoring to God. I will miss my kids, but I will not be so distraught as to not being able to function on the mission field. My kids will probably miss me, but they will have so much fun with grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and friends. We will both appreciate each other a little more when Jacob & I get back. As I'm sure I'll be much more appreciative of just about everything I've been blessed with.

The Whisper

It has been a busy week.  You know how those weeks go.  Seems like every minute is full and you can never fit everything you want to do in.  This is when your kids remind you of the simple, important things that make life worthwhile. 

Last night we had a lot of hubbub going on at dinner time and were rushing through getting everything assembled.  Just as I stuck the first bite in my mouth Liam started praying over dinner.  What a humbling experience.  What an amazing experience. I love that my son recognizes that even in the midst of "life" it is so important to stop and thank the One who makes it.  We don't find His voice in the earthquake.  We don't find His voice in the fire.  We don't find His voice in the wind.  We find His voice by listening for the whisper.  And so I write this simple reminder to not let life's noise drown out the whisper of God.  Remember to take the time for the simple thank You prayer.  As you do you will hear Him speaking back to you...encouraging you, lifting you up and loving you.   

Some Daily Lessons

Number Two keeping me up quite a bit at night

Number One waking me up way too early

First lesson of the day - wake up praising God and you will have a better attitude about everything else that happens that day.

Number One keeps saying he's hungry, but doesn't want any pf the quite extensive choices he's offered.

Dress Number Two then he eats quickly and falls asleep again.

Finally after much whining, pouting and prayer #1 decides to eat what he was given.

Lesson#2 - when losing self control (either or both you and your child)  taking to time to breathe and pray really will change the situation.

Get #1 dressed.  Get a load of laundry in.  Time to play.  During playtime #1 sticks something down the back of your shirt.  You spend time coloring and reading.  #2 wakes up insistently wanting to be fed.  Plan to go to the park after feeding so instruct #1 to clean up.  #1 goofs around and makes a bigger mess.  Arguing follows.  Tempted to lose my temper.  Tempted to just punish #1 and clean up the mess myself.  Take a moment to remember lessons one and two.  Remember that #1 needs to be taught the value of a) obedience b) doing things for ones-self and c) taking care of your things so they stay in good condition.  Teach those lessons through verbal reminder, punishment and assistance to complete the task.  

Finally get #2 dressed for the day.  Take a look at self and realize that I put my sweatpants on inside out and that's why they felt so funny.  Turn pants the right way.  Throw hair up and head out the door to enjoy the park.

Lesson #3 - Don't allow your children to hurt your feelings.  Remember that they are pushing your buttons so they can find where the line is.  We do the same thing to God.  Just like Him, as parents we need to help our kids know that the line is there for a reason and the consequences that follow aren't usually pleasant.  Love and kindness are what draw us back to His side of the line.  The same thing will work with our kids...this includes tough love.

Return from the park to have lunch.  Fortunately, after burning a bunch of energy at the park everyone is hungry and lunch goes easily.  Okay, time for naps.  It's a little work, but now all little people are sleeping.  Time to load the dishwasher, clean up the house, take a moment for social interaction and get interrupted because #2 is not really in the mood to nap.  Feed #2 AGAIN and spend time focusing on him and just playing baby games.  Attempt to complete some of the tasks one handed.  

Hubby returns home.  YAY!  

Lesson #4 - Your spouse is important.  To keep your marriage healthy you must spend sometime focusing on each other.  Respect your husband.  Acknowledge his arrival, don't just hand off the kid.  He will reciprocate by loving on you...this may include simply assisting you with the kids, a back rub, cleaning up or simply some words of encouragement.  It actually works this way...you show him respect, he shows you love.  If this isn't happening, I recommend evaluating your behavior.

Make dinner.  #1 wakes up from nap.  Everybody sits down to eat.  Time for us all to head out to do errands.  Return home and spend time in wind down play with #1.  Go through bedtime routine.  Okay, time to relax...oh wait, #1 is having a bad time and needs a little more Mommy cuddle.  Spend a few extra minutes with #1.

It can be beneficial to spend sometime worshiping with your kids if they are having a hard time falling asleep.  When you acknowledge the presence of God in the room it helps relax your children and reminds them to pay attention because God does speak to them in their sleep.  It also keeps you from anger at the fact you aren't getting to do what you want to do.

Finally time to sit back and relax, oh wait...need to go finish that load of wash I threw in this morning.  Okay, sitting back...what is that?  Oh, there's that turtle #1 put down my shirt and was looking for this afternoon.  Well, as long as I'm taking off my shirt I might as well grab a shower.  Ahh, time for bed.

Final lesson of the day - Now, the Lord is the Spirit and where the spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty.(2 Cor. 3:17)  Allowing God to be a part of everything you do during the day brings a freedom to be filled with peace, patience, joy and love to name a few.  Whenever things seems simply to hard let go, breathe and recognize that God is with you.  Oh, and always check your shirt for curious items you might be missing.

Knowledge of the Divine

Jesus is God!
This is the revelation that my son has been telling me over and over since Easter weekend.  It is one of the most delightful things you can have your child tell you I think.  He hears the word God and his little face lights up and he looks at me or shouts out across the house...Jesus is God, Mama, Jesus is God.  Today we were listening to some of his music and they were singing God is so good and he shouts from the back seat Jesus is God, Mama. Then we talked about how the Father is also God and so is the Holy Spirit.  Then we talked about how they are all good.  I love, love, love talking about a relationship with God with my kids.
My desire is to teach my children how religion strangles the life out of you, but relationship fills you and enables you to live life to the fullest.  And yet, it's my children who are teaching this to me.  It's like...when you find out some good news about somebody in your life you just want to tell everybody about it.  That's what it's like when Liam tells me that Jesus is God.  He has this great news about his friend Jesus and he just wants to tell everybody.  The happiness that he spreads with me as he shares this news is all because he has a relationship with Jesus. When he goes to sleep at naptime and nighttime he talks to Jesus.  He talks his day over with Jesus and builds upon what they got going.  It's a reminder to me that a relationship is built upon time together.  We all have the opportunity to to talk to Jesus anytime.  We all have the opportunity to learn new and special things about Him and we all have the opportunity to share these things with everyone we know.  We can all be filled with joy and tell everyone we know that Jesus is God; God is good and Jesus God loves us!

A Yes Kind of Day

So often my first response to the kids requests is a flat out no. I honestly don't even take time to think about what I shot down half the time either. I have my agenda and nothing is going to disrupt that, not even a simple, "Mommy can you color with me?" Coloring usually lasts a whole 5 minutes. What is so important that I can't spend 5 minutes coloring?

Today I decided I would say yes to my kids. (Mainly just Bren since Ella is having a sleep over with my parents, and Connor really doesn't ask much.) It was a new day in the Graf house. I would default to yes for any "Can/May we DO" questions, but would not immediately answer on the "Can/May we HAVE" demands. I would not immediately shoot those down either; but strive to think about what was asked and answer appropriately. I feel very convicted about not creating entitled children. By giving into the haves; I take the first step to creating selfish beings who believe just by the mere sound of their voice asking for something it will be given to them.

Who will be able to have faith in a God who doesn't always answer prayers immediately or with the answer a person wants? God has given us each free will to DO whatever it is we want, though. Many times I've battled with what God's will is for my life. What does he want me to be doing. I've quickly learned it's not the detail of what I do, but it's the deeper issues of how & why I do what I do. What does my soul look like? Am I out to look good and reap earthly rewards, or am I living for my Savior, ready to stand before the Bema Seat an receive the crowns the Lord has for me? I hope by demonstrating in a safe environment (to a certain extent) that my kids can do whatever they want, so to speak, but consequences follow. If you really want mommy to color with you, dinner might be a few minutes later. Not an earth shattering ordeal. When my children approach me with the, "Mom, can I please have ..." I hope that they will see I sincerely stop, consider the impact the requested item will have on the current situation and/or Jacob & I's long term parenting goals, and I make a judgment call to the best of my ability. Similar to how God hears & responds to each and everyone of our prayers (how totally amazing is that?!).* What we can see of His plan for our life is just a tiny pin hole's worth. So God says, "Yes, Lisa you can do cake decorating, you can do volunteer work, you can do drugs, get wasted, you can do whatever you want. When you get serious and you want to live a life for me & align your priorities correctly, I'm going to be here to help clean up the ways of your past and your mistakes and we'll get you back on track the right way." (Another fun little side thought is that God knows every little sidetrack I'm going to make, he knows my mistakes, and yet ultimately uses those to bring Him glory. So we never get 'off track' technically!) However, when I approach His throne and ask God for a cure, for wealth, or anything tangible; I'm sure God ponders that. He doesn't want to create any entitled heavenly beings either!

Looking forward to practicing the new Yes Attitude when Ella rejoins our family. This will be more of a challenge as her attention span is much more focused and long lasting compared to a 2 year old boy's. Coloring could very well take an hour ... but yes we can color, we just might not be eating for a l o n g while!

* my ponderings are by no means an accurate representations of what God's intentions really are, or how he operates; just my personal interpretations.

Not sure if I'm happy with this one...I may edit later -Jess

2 Mom Lessons learned: 
Judging other's parenting will come back to bite you in the butt...
Letting your toddler try a new "healthy" food in his car seat is NOT the best idea...

Of course I wanted to go to the grocery store today to catch the sale on it's last day.  I had great intentions of walking there early in the day...instead my older son and I made dinosaur cookies.  My next plan was to go without the kids as soon as hubby got home from work...which of course didn't quite come together as planned. Final plan was that we would all head out together.  There were only two stores to go to...how bad could it be?  I thought it was a good sign that when we pulled into the 1st store there was a huge fire truck parked at the back of the lot.  Liam loved looking at the big fire truck and as we walked in three firemen walked out of the store.  It was a fun experience for a 2 year old.  I only had like 5 things only my list...simple I thought.  Turns out Liam was in a super excitable mood and wanted to run from one side of the store to the other.  I know I've done it...looked out of the corner of my eye at parents who let their kids, especially their boys, run wild around the store.  In my mind I determined that I would NEVER, EVER let MY kids do that. My kids were going to be well behaved little angels who who stand quietly by my side holding my hand.  And the truth of it is that Liam really is one of those little angels...through nothing that I have done.
A friend of mine once posted the following on Facebook and I loved it so much I have to add it to this post...

A few years ago I remember going to the store and wondering why some women go out in sweats and no makeup. Couldn't they spend a minute on themselves? Now I understand. I am one of those women.

Why are we so judgemental?  What makes us think we are or can do so much better job than anyone else?  I am learning more and more everyday that the only way I make it through the day is by the grace of God.
So, here we were two capable parents and our son was running up and down the aisle.  Fortunately, he wasn't screaming.  I do have a personal rule that I will leave a store no matter what if my kiddos get that disruptive.(probably until I get knocked off my high horse on that one)  We managed to get out the door without anything being knocked off of shelves and nothing being broken.
Going into store number two by myself seemed to be the wisest decision so I left hubby and kids in the car and dashed in.  This store has lots of bulk items and gummy bears being my son's favorite.  But wanting to be a healthier mom I thought I would pick out a piece of dried fruit for him to snack on.  Papaya was on sale so I picked out a spear for him to have on the way home.  Bright orange it looked like the perfect tempting snack for a two year old.  And the idea of it was.  He grabbed it with a huge smile and took a bite.  Which was quickly followed by one of the most upset faces I've seen in a while. Out it came spreading it's orange glow with it.  I attempted to get him to spit as much as we could into a garbage bag.  Of course we still had this huge spear of papaya so I offered it to my husband who casually remarked he never really cared for dried papaya, but still took a bite.  I thought, well, maybe I should try it too.  And a bit I took...followed moments later by me spitting into the garbage bag too.
Have you ever wanted to spit out something you thought God gave you?  I mean we think, hey it's from God, it's good for me, I'm sure it'll be good.  Starting to feel like it's more what the circumstances of life dish out to us that don't taste so good. Even if something looks good, doesn't mean it is good.   I think God is often the one that is holding the bag for us to spit bad stuff into.  This is my simple reminder to not swallow all that life dishes out.  Reflect before you taste on where it came from and see if it really came from God.  If it didn't...toss it into the garbage, don't even take a taste.  And if you do taste it, God will be there holding the bag.

Thinking Mom Style

Asking my husband to grab me a glass of water on his way back through the kitchen or to do something extra during his planned duty seems to send the man into mass hysteria. Not really mass hysteria, but pretty darn close. I think moms have been given this special talent/blessing/gift of multi-thinking/tasking.

Walk with me as I head to change Connor's diaper.
Pick up the set of 10 Stacking Cups so I don't fall and tear my other mcl, pick up dirty pajamas that Bren & Ella left on the floor and get them into the dirty laundry basket, along with one of Jacob's random socks, pick up and put away the fort making materials (blankets), shut the bathroom light off and close the door, make Ella's bed, organize a new package of diapers on the diaper shelf, get Connor on the table, change his diaper and recite 1st Corinthians 13:4-8 that's posted by my changing table.

Our house is modest at best, nothing to boast about really; so although it seems like my walk took forever, really it was over in the matter of a few minutes. I'm always thinking and planning ahead about what the most efficient way to get everything I should get done, on my way to what I need to get done immediately. How much so is our time on this earth relative to this short walk to change a diaper? Our average 80 years of life is such a mini blimp on the radar of eternity. It is empowering and humbling. God hand picked me for this time right now and has every step planned out before I was even born. A.M.A.Z.I.N.G! What will I do to impact the most people for Christ during my short walk here on earth? What am I doing today, right now, to show Him to others? Tomorrow is not always a guarantee, so whether you are walking to the other side of your house to change a poopy diaper or through court room doors; walk with your head held high in honor of Jesus who gave His life for you. Pray for Holy Spirit guidance & strength to take advantage of opportunities to reach out and pick up as many people as you can on your way to whatever it is you are going to do!

The look of a Mom...

You know you're a mom the day you realize that your hips have spread 

and they are never, ever going back into place again. 

~How many of you have that perfect picture of yourself?  I have one I really like when I was like 19.  I was sitting on the floor, turned toward the camera which was behind me, my hair looked good and I looked thin.  I have decided that once you have babies you can never quite think of yourself as thin again.  Oh, sure a lot of moms lose all the baby weight, even more, but we will never look quite the same again...at least to ourselves. Not too long before I got pregnant the first time, my husband told me that I have good birthing hips.  If you know my husband you would know that this was actually a compliment.  Now, I keep this memory as a badge of honor...I do have good birthing hips and I make beautiful babies.

~For me, being a mom is all about loving.  Really though I had no idea that I would be filled with so much love from the moment I knew I was carrying a baby.  My first labor was so hard that when I held my Liam for the first time I was so exhausted that I don't even think I smiled.  The pictures that we have don't reflect one anyway.  I have never admitted this before but I felt guilty about that moment.  I was so filled with love for this little one that I had waited so long for and I was so completely worn out.  I decided that I would get over my guilt because that is no good thing for a relationship.

Finn, my number two popped out with hardly any effort that it was easy to hold him and smile and say 'Momma loves you' over and over.  Honestly though the pictures aren't any better.  Just goes to show you that it doesn't matter what you feel you can never count on a picture to make you look good...and secondly, when you have a picture with a  newborn baby, nobody is looking at you.

Today as I held my Finn against my chest and he spit up down my shirt as I read Liam a story before his nap I realized that it doesn't matter what I look like or when the last time I had a shower was, all that matters is that I am showering my boys with all the love I feel in my heart.  May they always see the size of my heart and know that they are worth everything!  My hips have spread and will never go back to the smaller size they once were, but so has my heart and that is what truly makes me a mom.

What We Eat

How does that old adage go? You are what you eat? ahhh no, strike that, how about: You might be a mom if ...

* you have become an expert at peeling grapes ... yeah you read that right ... grapes, not oranges.
* you can cut any type of food into minuscule pieces that will easily slide into and out of a 12 month old.
* you are so in the habit of these minuscule cutting techniques, your food usually ends up this way, too.
* you frequently and willingly test baby food with the tip of your tongue for temperature control.
* not a meal goes by that you don't employ the airplane, train, or any other fun/distracting/ha-I got-you-to-eat method at least once!
* the number 1 reason you know you are a mom is if you eat a hot meal all by yourself without cutting, sharing, or reheating multiple times and are in 7th heaven.

It's really the little things that matter when you are a mom. There's nothing that could have prepared me for the utter selflessness that comes with the mom territory. Sometimes God disguises grace as ignorance. If I would have known just how different the way I eat would be; would I still have made the decision to have children? Sure, that is stretching it a bit, but there are definitely days when all I'd like is to do is eat my own container of yogurt without having to spoon it into 3 begging mouths, who more then likely already ate their own yogurts.
Sometimes my priorities totally need to be in check. I often find myself bending over backwards for my kids, making sure they all get a taste of mommy's yogurt. All I'm doing is reinforcing a sense of entitlement sometimes. I often need to refocus my priorities and make sure my kids know God comes first, then their daddy, and then their 3 hungry little mouths. How will my children learn virtues like patience, kindness, gentleness, self control if their every need is immediately gratified? It's okay if they don't get a taste of my yogurt, it's ok if mom voids snack time, it's ok if they don't get that cool toy at the store everyone else is getting; sometimes being denied is a blessing in disguise. It's important that us moms aren't just focusing on the earthly apples and bananas but we're giving our children a daily dose of the fruit of the spirit, as well.

What Really Matters

Some days my thoughts of what really matters might sound something like this:

What really matters:
* did the poop leak out the back or front?
* if my kids washed their hands after collecting gold, aka bunny poop, from the back yard.
* Did I brush Ella's hair & make sure it didn't look like a rat built a nest over night?
* Did each of the kids get enough fruits, veggies, proteins, and carbs for the day? Early Easter candy can be considered a carb right?! How much should that vitamin account for?!
* Have I taken time to go to the bathroom yet? Can I safely sneeze or cough?
* Love is patient, love is kind .... even when your kids are not patient and are definitely not kind. (A mother's edition to 1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

On days like today, I realize what really matters isn't if the poop leaked through their clothes and onto the bed sheets, (which are a pain in my butt to change, especially crib sheets). Or if Ella matches or has brushed and fixed her hair. Or if the candy is brushed out of their teeth. Or if the neighbors can hear Bren playing/screaming/singing. What matters is that I'm enjoying every moment of being with my kids & loving them., that I'm showing them Jesus through me. That might seem a tad over dramatic, and I'm well aware it definitely is. Going in for a check up and coming home to schedule a sitter so I can have an ultrasound and mammogram done on a lump, that is not consistent with a fibrosistic change nor a cyst, has stopped be dead in my rushed, impatient tracks & made for a few overly dramatic, pity party moments today. I won't know anything until April 23rd when I meet with a specialist, a breast cancer specialist, who will read the results of my tests.
I thought I'd be prepared for moments like these. I've memorized verses like Proverbs 3:5-6 (Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding), but have I ever needed them in a situation beyond falling down the stairs, or just being sick? No, not really. Have I ever clung to Isaiah 41:10 (So do not fear for I am with you, do not be dismayed for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.) No, not really. I'd like to think once I get the results from my tests, things will be easier to deal with. I'm sure this is just another greener grass on the other side thought. Not knowing what's going on sends my anxiety and stress levels through the rough. I know worrying isn't helping anything, but it doesn't stop the endless attack or words like cancer, radiation, chemo, ... death. When moments like these start, I'm going to strive to do as 1 Peter 5:7 instructs and, "Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you." I'm going to enjoy listening to Bren sing in his shakey singing voice & not shush him every time he reaches unbearably high octaves, I'm not going to sweat the tantrums and sassiness Ella pulls, I'm going to gladly change Connor's poopy blow out diapers knowing what an honor it is to be their mom. It's in God's hands completely, but that doesn't make it an easy situation to be living in. So thankful for the Bible and the immeasurable amount of encouragement and wisdom found in it & for supportive & praying family and friends. It's going to be a long few weeks! Even if this turns out to be a benign thing, my time is still limited and maybe I need to start focusing on what really matters and live like I'm on borrowed time.